You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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