when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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