Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
