I need to stop coming to work sober
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
