So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
