I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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