Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize