Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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