gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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