I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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