I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
