Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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