Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
