the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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