does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
