Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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