I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
