remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
