I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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