Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
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As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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