We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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