So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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