My sheets look like a crime scene.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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