Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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