Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
