we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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