Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
