i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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