my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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