wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
