My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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