The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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