Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
