i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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