remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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