his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
