I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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