it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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