Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
