You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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