Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
