I heard we made out
this beer tastes like vomit already
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
