Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
