I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
