thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
now i know why i became what i already was.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
