I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize