How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
