she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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