sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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