her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame