I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
