and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
