i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
