On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
