his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
