I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
