Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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