Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
