I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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