God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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