ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
